Humility is the Cure
Are you tired of arguing? Do you say things you regret later? Why do you argue? It certainly isn’t an effective way to communicate. We’d rather beat each other up with words then to humble ourselves and exhibit kindness. My way or the highway is the motto.
Negative words are destructive. Its funny how things you can’t see are so powerful. You can’t see the wind, and yet it’s strong enough to leave an entire community homeless. You can’t see words as they exit the mouth and yet it can be just devastating if not worst.
I’m old enough to remember the old Bela Logosa movies. ‘The Mummy’ was my favorite. The mission of The Mummy was to carry out the words of its master. In the movie, the scene was usually dark and grim while Bela Logosa would stand over the mummy filled casket, murmur a few destructive words, the casket cover would open; the mummy would rise up from his dead sleep in pursuit to carry out the mission of Mr. Logosa. Nothing would deter him; nothing would stand in his way. Bela Logosa knew the power of words. He would say to the mummy in a harsh strong voice, “destroy”. The mummy would do exactly that, destroy.
Words have enormous power, either positive or negative the moment they hit the air. We don’t need a mummy to carry them out.
Proverbs 18:21 says, The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
Is it possible never to argue again? Can we communicate in a way that’s not mean or just plain nasty and destructive? Arguments begin when one or both partners experience low self esteem. When we feel bad, the tendency is to blame somebody; the easy target is our spouse. When we are in a bad mood we try to elevate one’s self esteem. The angered partner raises their self esteem by lowering the self esteem of the other. This process continues as we believe we are right and the other party is wrong. Because we are right and our partner is wrong we gain points. The fight continues as we beat our partner down to a pulp and our self esteem seemingly rises putting us in a seemingly better position then our partner. Arguments lead us making another mistake by saying things we don’t mean. For example; “I hate you”, “your stupid”, “get out of my life”, “I want a divorce”. But remember words have a life of their own desiring to simply carry out its definition.
When we are in a bad mood with low self esteem, we not only argue as a method to increase our own self esteem but during that process we say things we don’t mean. Colossians 3:8 says; but now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins (Proverbs 29:22). Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-it leads only to evil (Psalm 37:8). I know what you are thinking, easier said then done. In the heat of the moment scriptures seem so distant.
As we minister to couples, one of the common complaints we hear is “we argue too much, we love each other, but we can’t get along”. How do we get out of the rut of anger and bitterness? How do we avoid arguments?
The cure for arguments is humility. Take the time to read James 4: 1- 10. Here in this passage on how to avoid argument he gives us the causes and cures, the reason and the remedy. James verse 6 says: “But he gives us even more grace to stand against such evil desires. God opposes the proud but favors the humble. What is grace? Grace is God’s unmerited favor. Grace is God doing good for us that we don’t deserve. His grace provides the power to change. Ask what you want to change about your marriage? Whatever you would like to change, you need grace to do it. You can’t do it on your own. You need God’s power, His grace. James verse 10 says: “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.”
Stop asking God to change your partner and start praying to God to change you. Avoid critical comments and being judgmental. Proverbs 16:24 says, Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body. Give into God and get wise to Satan. Satan desires to devour your marriage. He wakes up everyday thinking of ways to consume your marriage, your family, your hope.
The next time you feel an argument coming on, call on God’s grace, submit yourself to God. He will not let you down. Hug your spouse and pray that God be in the center of your marriage.